Post #4: Writing and The Surprise Cry Attack 💧
How our brains try to protect us from our emotions during the rough draft phase of writing. Plus a few fun links and a writing excerpt for paid subscribers!
Hello, Friends!
I hope you've had a good week! My week, by all accounts, was pretty boring… Except for a couple very heartwarming visits with my (writer) friends Tina and Jenna and a good long walk with Paul, I pretty much didn't do anything but work and read and play some fiddle tunes (yes, a risk of working from home is never leaving your apartment). But it’s all good, because it was work I am EXCITED about, namely working on my memoir. This week, for the first time in maybe ever, I feel like a writer. Not just someone who is faking it, but like a real human writer who is writing an actual paper book that someday you will (hopefully) read. What changed, you ask?
Not much, except these three things:
1) I wrote more than usual. I think that impostor syndrome was looming larger in my imagination than I realized. This week I finally owned the fact that part of the reason I was not writing as often or as much as I wanted to was because I was afraid I wouldn't be able to do it. Stephen King may write for four hours a day, but I am under no grand delusion that I am Stephen King. After 45 minutes of writing my brain hurts, and four hours feels about as realistic as fourteen! But this week, after a mathematical calculation revealed I was actually-factually a little behind schedule to meet my Looming Deadline, I had to adjust my daily writing goal. I upped it from 450 words / 5 days a week to 700 words / 5 days a week. And lest you scoff at how tiny that goal sounds, to you I thunderously reply: RULE #1: IF YOU CAN'T SAY ANYTHING NICE, DON'T SAY ANYTHING AT ALL!
I may be a weakling at the beginning of my writing career, but I have yet to EVER write more than 1,200 words in a day. Like, ever. This may be A Very Bad Sign, but I know I am not the only one. A friend who is a Real Published Author writes around 500 words a day, and several other writer friends I know don't even count their words. All I'm saying is there's more than one way to peel a tangerine. 700 words felt like a stretch, but one I could probably manage, and lo and behold, I did it!!! Occasionally I had to break it into two chunks of time so my brain didn't disintegrate, but a win is a win is a win. This week, that is. I will worry about next week later.
2) I was ambushed by a couple of surprise cry attacks. Perhaps you can relate, but sometimes writing about your life can feel very dry. Like you're just painstakingly tapping out the details in a linear fashion and you can't believe how long this story is and oh my goodness, when is this chapter ever going to end??? When these thoughts start popping in, I feel the urge to shut it down BUT (thanks, bigger word count!) I am starting to realize that just after the boring phase, the good stuff shows up. I'll often get to the end of a story and read it back and suddenly notice I left out the funniest or most interesting details. Or I'll start reflecting on it and feel compelled to add a few lines about how the event felt rather than what happened... Then all of the sudden I am crying, alone at my computer (or, on unlucky days, I'll be doing virtual co-working on Focusmate and my tears will alarm and confuse a complete stranger).
I think maybe this is because the brain doesn't want to touch any live wires the first time around. So it lays down a very bare-bones, just-the-facts-ma'am version of a story in the beginning. But on the second "draft" (whenever you look at it again), if you push yourself to keep going, your soul is more prepared to venture into the truth and tenderness and bittersweet-ness of it all. The tears is a sign that Something's Happening, but often that Something takes you by surprise in the middle of a boring old writing session. As someone who has always felt inept regarding discipline and self-control, this experiential learning about the benefits of pushing through feels very important to me. If you have been writing for decades, perhaps this is me pointing out the obvious... But once again, SEE RULE #1!
3) I talked about writing with my friends, which got me more excited about writing. As I said earlier, one of the few things I did this week besides drinking coffee and showering and hammering away at my computer was spending time with my writer friends Tina and Jenna. I have known each of them for a long time, but not in the context of writing. After all, until this week I didn't really consider myself to be a writer. But this time, when we got together (in addition to just catching up) we talked about writing! Our writing regimens (or lack thereof), our favorite books on writing, our editing process and a bunch of other nerdy things that filled my heart with joy. I so valued our conversations!
Spending time with other writers helped me to realize that my struggles, doubts and insecurities are not unique to me. You can still be a "real" writer and struggle to maintain a practice or you secretly doubt your work is any good (that's what editing is for). These scared thoughts are just normal parts of the process and they by no means should keep you from pursuing your goal of writing.
IN CONCLUSION: If you wanna be a writer: 1) Write, and 2) Write some more, and 3) Find other people who will commiserate with you about the unique joys and torture of molding unruly memories into a string of words… Both misery and joy love company!
With that, here’s my latest writing except! Thank you for your support on this writing journey. I hope you have a great weekend… Take care and keep in touch!
Truly,
Gaelynn Lea
P.S. A FEW LINKS:
In case you missed it: Very Merry Music Session with Harpist Kim Robertson!
A wonderful collection of essays by my friend Tina: Check out Tina’s Substack
An interview about writing with my friend Jenna: Sunday Sessions, Episode 70
P.P.S. A WRITING EXCERPT: Under the Downspout